Book to bring me to tears

"That's the thing about pain. It demands to be felt." Augustus

"It's hard as hell to hold on to your dignity when the risen sun is too bright in your losing eyes,..." Hazel


I could sit here all night quoting this book. Really i can't find the quote i really want...

At 11 this evening I picked up "The Fault in Our Stars" by John Green. I did not put it down until sometime after 2:30 in the morning, when i finished it.
I finished it, in one sitting. This story... it drags you in and you stay there for hours, pulled back again and again by Hazel's wisdom and Augustus' quirkiness and straight up truths.
It brought me to tears, and now I want to cry, just from the feeling of satisfaction in the ending; maybe not to the extreme of feeling that somehow life has been fulfilled, but - no that's pretty much an underlying current of feeling right now. Everything else is too jumbled and messy for me to really understand but... wow <3 I would read this again in a heartbeat, just to see if there was something I missed, some wisdom that Hazel imparted, or Augustus imparted, or that her dad imparted, that I missed the first time. And to see the joy and sorrows that Hazel and Augustus represent in a life that too many people look past and only see the surface of their suffering.
Underneath it all is less a struggle against pain, and more a struggle against just being a 'side effect', as Hazel says a lot. Hazel refers to cancer as being a side effect of dying, but I refer to the struggle against being a side effect as the bigger picture- a side effect of this universe that we are so small in, we don't even bother to acknowledge our fellow human beings and their suffering when we see it everyday.

And now I really must sleep.

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

To you,

"You are not just a product of your enviroment.
You are not just another face on the street,
walking across but not through it
Too scared to take the leap-not cause of the fall,
but because you know what its like to hit the bottom.
You know that pain, that suffering and loneliness-
you know it well enough to control it-
because control is all you know. 
The dependance of that act, the need to follow through
one inch, one line of red drawn with each sin.
To you, who alone and losing your cool
runs that blade across your skin-
You are stronger than this.
With every etched word of disgrace
you take hold of this monster;
try to pinch the skin together
as the blood drips to the floor.
But are you trying to put the skin back together
or cause it to bleed more."


"Pain.
Deep pain, shoved away somewhere inside.
suffering, lonliness, shame, disgrace;
voices that should be heard,
people who need to be understood to be saved.
Not ignored, not following others leads,
sick,
but not uncurable or diseased.
A way to feel, not a way of life.
It's not a cry for help.
It's an escape, a dependance, an addiction;
her drug.
She doesn't feel normal, calm, clear headed,
until that blade touches her skin,
parting her flesh like Moses parted the red sea,
towards freedom,
escape. "

"Shattered.
Your control, thin as ice,
melting around the edges, crumbling into the dark waters.
Desperate, crawling on your knees
you lick up every drop of that control.
Gagging, swallowing hard to keep it down.
Toxic, now that it is stained by their words.
Nauseous, your stomach cramping around the shards
cutting through your skin, exposing the chaos beneath.
Their words, ringing in your ears.
They tell you to forget, to grow up.
Ignore the taunting, the laughing, the whispers, the jeering faces.
It is not forgotten, can't ever be forgotten,
repeating over and over; 'fat', 'weak', 'disgraceful', 'ugly'.
But...how can you forget, when the truth in their words
stares at you from the only reflection you haven't shattered.
This mirror has become your coffin,
Just one part of the tomb they make you enter every day.
You know they are trying to help,
but every glance, each second you view your own filth,
is echoed by the sound of a shovel entering the dirt,
each glance that follows another jab
as slowly you hear that 6 foot hole being dug
and with each shovel full of dirt that falls
is a whisper, calling your name."


"Every bathroom has become a tomb, the mirror a coffin
each glance the jab of the shovel digging into the dirt."

Roadblocks and Boundaries

So I am super annoyed right now. It seems like every time I try to actually become involved in something and actually pay attention to reality, somebody has to establish boundaries or plant these annoying roadblocks in my way so I never get involved in anything.
Its age, race, education level, amount of involvement, personal opinions; any thing and every thing is a reason to not hire someone in these days, or not accept them to a program. Its ridiculous to the highest degree.

I love how in the middle of a rant I can switch to tumblr and always find something to cheer me up.

Flying

So one of the biggest things about this trip overseas I just took was that one, first time overseas, and two; my first time flying.
It was amazing. The thrill as the plane reved up, took off, and the swooping feeling and being free as the plane turned and dipped to get onto its flight path, it was all so amazing.
And the sights- oh the sights as you soar around the world are amazing. On the way there I saw some of the land below in New Jersey, but then just a glimpse of the ocean before it was obscured by the clouds.
Later on the flight there I caught a quick glimpse of Greenland, but on the way back I had hours to stare at the frozen antarctic land and the frozen Canandian land we flew over. It was amazing, seeing so much beauty below me.
Not to mention the stars as I flew in the night. We saw the moon too, but it was seeing it all so close that really got to me.
Seeing clouds below the wings of the plane, clouds covering your view of the land below. It was amazing.
I saw miles and miles of land in China, then Russia, all at night and lit up, just barely able to make out rivers and hills and it was so cool.
Though the landing there was hard because of wind, landing here at home was so smooth I wasn't even sure we were landing until the ground beneath us got larger and closer to my sight, lol.

I love flying :D

Musings on China

So over my Junior year Spring Break last week I went to Beijing China.
I have so much to say about it, but today I'll just share impressions I wrote of in my creative writing class:

Place:
Order and chaos in the same moment-streets swept clean and hosed down only to be spit on all day. Dirt and dust, sewage the only scent to the air- it takes a lot of conscious thought to look beyond these to the culture of centuries before your eyes, especially during the first few hours you are there.

Sounds heard:
Clearing throats, the hacking of spit from passer-byers; clanging, creaking, ringings bells or throaty undecipherable calls from in front of behind you as you walk down the busy streets.

Who was there:
Similar faces, features alike only to each other, and more than I'd ever seen before; beside and in front were familiar faces-the rest of us, at most points eager to never be left alone without an American face nearby to help us feel safe.

More specifics later :)

Interviews...

So I participated in a Resident Assistant interview and workshop last night. The interview was cool, good questions, and the workshop was fun, if just a bit awkward at points. The thing is, once I left, I just ran out of energy, mentally and emotionally. I was dead on the water for the rest of the night. It was hard enough doing my homework before hand when I was nervous; then after I just couldn't function at all. I think it was the first time I ate ice cream to feel better. It made me sick so not doing that again.
And today I got an email back from a camp denying me a position with an interview. They were enthusiastic so I have no clue what happened.  I'm still nervously waiting for word from another camp I spoke to, and awaiting news about the RA position. Not to mention I'm nervous that I am in no way prepared for China.
I'm just all nerves this week. This does not bode well for my work-ethic.
Thank God for Spring Break.

Well

So today I was very excited to find a book for Beijing that would be very helpful to not get me lost and help me decipher where to eat and such.

What I wasn't excited to find was that for once when I had time and enthusiasm to play my violin, all the strings were out. I really don't deserve my violin cause I barely play and I have no skill with it.
Its quite depressing actually; especially because all forces seem to be against me actually learning it better- I mean, I contacted the new performing arts director at my school and asked to begin an orchestra on campus. She had auditions held, and she said it was just to see what level of playing we were at. I auditioned after a day or so's notice to this, it sucked, and she never contacted me again. I found out just last week, almost 4 months later, that there have been string lessons with a private tutor going on right here on campus, and this new director never thought to contact the person who asked for strings to be remembered. Really! For God's sake, I would just like to learn again, to have the opportunity to work with an instructor so I can bring back some of my old skills and remember how to play again. I miss it so much I cry everytime I see an ACE performance now....

Anyway... I go to China next week... just a week! I'm excited, nervous, scared; I might have said all this already lol. All I know is I hope I get through airport security with all my things :P

Snow snow snow!!

Snow snow snow snow snow snow snow!!!
It's snowing here!!! And I am swamped with midterms! Yay for weekends to work on them, lol.
Guys, I go to China next week- I will be IN CHINA next saturday O_o OMG!!!!!
I am so freaking excited, and nervous, and excited, and scared, and EXCITED!!!
Got any hints for me for China? Or gift ideas : P
Seriously, tell me what you want from China : )
I've done tons of research so I know what to expect in China but I'm betting it will still surprise me :D

Deeper and deeper

There are so many feelings going through me right now but deeper than all is the regret and sorrow I feel for one of my friends. She tries so hard all the time, and I know how hard it is to keep fighting as she does, and every time she fails it makes me want to cry with her.
I'm always in the wrong place at the wrong time and I wish I could be where I need to be all the time, but that's never going to happen but that doesn't mean I still don't wish it.

I'm gonna go work on a homework assignment now...

Another day here

So just finished my second day with lots of frustration but still some good points. Idk why but I actually adjusted to this conference pretty quick and am sad there are only two days more of this...
What does that say about me- cause I bet its not the politics I like- though its just as likely the politics as the calm manner that we discuss and present facts instead of arguing them.
So far its good... :)

WAY over my head

So this was my post this morning on faebook: 


Harvard United Nations Model U.N- First Reaction- "Holy-! Way too many people!" Later reaction at session that night- "So not prepared for this." Later later that night "Such a comfy bed....zzzz..." First day at Model UN XD ps not direct quotes :P

I am definitely not prepared for this, at all. Not the amount of people, not the amount of information I am not sure on, not even what we're supposed to be doing. I did all the research, wrote the position paper, but that still doesn't mean I can find someway to insert myself into these discussions and debates. At the least I can follow whats going on and know what we're discussing, but when it comes down to actually taking a chance and speaking it just isn't going to happen. My committee has 115 ish people, and its not even one of the large ones! 

: O

There are 3000 delegates here! And I think a few people I met last spring in Washington, but I can't be sure since none of them are in my session. I did meet a cool girl from Canada, and another guy representing Israel, and a girl named Jocelyn, but for the most part its difficult to start up conversations that don't just include your country name and the committee the person isn't interested in. Oh well, not like I like to talk to people too much anyway....

On the whole, this is a god experience, and I would probably do it again, but I'm definitely going to be more prepared and bring meals since they don't even offer them and I'll have to buy them all weekend :O Dude there goes my wallet, lol. 

Hope you guys are doing well!

<3

Ours... this summer

For some reason I really like this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux2k07ToaRA

Actually most things by Taylor Swift I like.
It may be the message under that no matter what, when two people connect, as long as they can be strong in their love they can face anything people say.

I've been on a search lately for good thought invoking music.
I've also been working hard on my writing with my creative writing class.
And applying for summer jobs ; ) I bet you guys can't guess what I want to do for the summer >__<

A thought has struck

A thought has struck me that I must try and share and articulate:

We fall into categories of thinking, many different kinds, but I believe this is one:
1. We become fascinated with the things around us out of reach such as the sky, or outer space.
2. We focus within ourselves studying how the body works and what keeps us moving or the little particles that can destroy us. We could even focus on inside other creatures of things such as computers.
3. Or we focus on whats in front of us, the problems right now such as crime right here between neighbor and neighbor, running a business to support people so they have their daily needs, making food to support our bodies.


But there is also the difference of past present and future:
1. We study the past, intent on learning how we used to live, or study the development of humans over the years.
2. We study new and emerging technologies or laws to focus on how they will change and what we need to prepare for the future. (I believe this category includes politics)
3. Or, we focus on now, on new life being born, sicknesses and hospitalized people today, todays generations of students, ect.

Of course these could overlap but I think in general we have a certain focus of our mind and depending on this focus depends on where our studies take us in life.

Change and yearly reflections

Today in my creative writing class we did an exercise on school lunches, and what we remembered from them: I ended up writing 5 minutes worth of a really dramatic retelling of a bad lunch experience: what would you write?
     In my memory the room is always in shadows, the only light at the doorways where the teachers stood. The huge windows behind and around us were double plated, extra safety in a bad neighborhood. They didn't care that it cut out the light or that is brought out the worst in us. It was soon after I had grown to despise the company of my peers, where every bit of attention brought danger or sadness. So I thought I was prepared, properly guarded against the words they would throw my way. "Are you a..." she asked me, her friends, my ex-friends, covering their giggles and smirks to hear my reply. I knew it was a double-edged sword she presented to me, but with a fifth graders mind I only knew that I wanted her to think I knew what she meant. "No" I answered, defiant to the last.Their laughs were so loud, mocking, gleeful. Even when someone asked if I knew what the word meant I still stood against their mockery. "Yes." I lied.

Anyway....

So I found an old piece of writing of mine today:

2/1/2010

When people say they know me and they obviously don't, it only makes me despise them more.
When they can look at my character and guess what I may be like it only makes me hate them for studying me. But when they are wrong-when so many people tell me otherwise and like me for the way I am,truly like me- then I can only cry because how can they not see what others see. How can they not understand the real me when they can pick off the little things?
And how is it right in anyway to judge a person on their actions when they are confused, or when they are experimenting with things they might like to do with their life. How is that right?

How can someone say to me one minute that I am a hard worker and have a good work ethic, and then tell me in the next that I am flighty and self-absorbed?

I wish that this person wasn't right in any of these things, but I know the impression I left on these people and she's right about this. But its only an impression. Can't they see that? Its just a first impression. They need to actually speak to a person, know a person.

And I find it funny that before I ran across this, I was writing another piece about Change, and changing things within yourself earlier today. 

I wonder if I just happen to make these reflections of human nature and my own life at the same time every year :P 

Take care!!

Success!!

I'm really happy to say that I feel good about my group here at school. Everything is falling into place and we're having fun together, it makes me feel great to sit back and know that starting my group was a good idea. I mean its hard work, very hard, especially working with people I've known for so short a time but having authority over them in the fact that I lead this club. Its hard to rein myself in. But I do and so far it feels good, working on this, writing my own performance piece. : )
We perform next week and even though I am nervous for myself and everyone already I'm wicked excited too!

Talking about excited I get to go overseas next month!! And I should be in Boston in two weeks- this semester is so full of events and crazy times!
Not to mentions lots of homework, but it feels good to actually be studying because the material is hard enough to have to study.

I still can't believe my semester has already been going on for three weeks, can you guys?

Hey here's a question- should we still make sure to post on our specific dates?

For now I'll let this be my post, but maybe I'll add more later : )

Take care!

popcorn and euphemisms

My first post of a new blog in a new age in a new - ah I'm out of new's :P
This will be my blog of rambling and sharing, deep thoughts that go awry and make no sense, and fun times.
: )

First a great shout out to my siblings who chose my blog title, and to whom I say;

"i don't even know really what a euphemism is
But I just googled it and i think I should 
make this blog about making titles work
XD
I feel like rambling all the time can be 
equal to the crazy popping of popcorn..."

lol, welcome to my life :D